2 "I committed a capital offence and deserve to die!" wails Choi Soon-sil on the TV in your office as she enters the prosecutors' office in Seoul. This is fucking disgust ing, you think, as you gaze upon the face of evil who was responsible for all the misfortune that has befallen your country and its people. The blacklist against artists, the corporate corruption, the power of the rich over poor, religious immorality, all the fault of this one contemptible woman. You survey the interior of the construction crate you've converted into your office. You're a modest business owner, renting out construction equipment. Many of the vehicles on your lot could be used as weapons and turned against the powers that be. Now is the time for extreme action. Or maybe violence is never the answer. What's it gonna be? I'll trust the legislative and judiciary system to serve justice. GO TO THE FRONT PAGE OF ANY KOREAN NEWSPAPER. I'll help Choi Soon-sil to die. GO TO PAGE 3. 3 You exit your office and survey the lot full of your construction equipment. Your steamroller -- how awesome would it be to flatten Choi Soon-sil like a pancake using that? But you remember that scene from Austin Powers: way too slow to be practical. The cement mixer? A horrible way to go, but she would have to stay pretty still for you to pour the cement down her throat. A bulldozer likewise might not get the job done. Then your eyes rest on your favourite excavator, its prehensile shovel glistening in the morning sun like Excalibur pulled out of the rock. That's the ticket. Sorry to wrest this one from your hands, reader -- but history has been written, as has the name of this Choose Your Broke Adventure story. You're taking that excavator. Tell you what though: I'll let you choose how to get it there, by loading it onto a flatbed truck or driving the motherfucking thing all the way from Sunchang, North Jeolla Province. Hint: are you familiar with the original story? How did the real-life Excavator Vigilante get up to Seoul? And, was his attempt successful? I'll drive my excavator straight to Seoul. GO TO PAGE 4 I'll drive it up to Seoul on the back of a truck. GO TO PAGE 9 4 At a maximum 30kpm, it should only take you about eight hours to drive north to Seoul. You drive along the shoulder of the highway so faster cars can pass. A couple hours in, you encounter a long convoy of tractors and other agricultural vehicles, maybe 1000 of them. As you overtake them, the driver of one tractor calls out to you, "Hey friend, where are you headed?" "Choi Soon-sil said she committed a capital crime and deserves to die," you say. "I'm going up to Seoul to give her a hand." "So are we," says the farmer, "though our methods are considerably less violent than yours. Care to join forces?" Sure! GO TO PAGE 5 Too slow, nope. GO TO PAGE 9 5 You join the convoy of farming vehicles and pull up into the rocking chair. But as you approach Pyeongtaek, your front door signals that the police have blockaded the road ahead, halting your progress. "How could they protect her?" you rage, albeit from the machine rather than against it. "Calm down, good buddy," says another driver. "We'll get through this once the courts uphold our right to assembly." Okay, I will be patient. GO TO PAGE 6 These cops aren't gonna stop me. GO TO PAGE 7 6 You and the rest of the caravan assemble at the side of the road as you listen to the news and wait for the court decision. It's a tense couple of days, but finally the Seoul Administrative Court rules that you may proceed on up to Seoul to take part in the growing protest movement. However, you will be unable to bring along your trusty excavator, leaving yourself unarmed against an existential threat. Protest is all well and good, but excavators tear things apart and get things done. I'll join this worthy cause. GO TO PAGE 8 I'll strike out alone and take my chances ahead of the herd. GO TO PAGE 9 7 This is not the time for moderation. You pound forward on the excavator controls, surging ahead of the convoy that brought you this far and approaching the police line. The riot police scramble, but behind them are their buses lined up to cut off road access. You power through and try to flip one over with your shovel, but as you work on this the police overwhelm your posi tion. One of them tases you and you're done. THE END 8 Peaceful civil disobedience should be enough to get the job done, you hope. Once you arrive in Seoul with the other protesters, you drive your excavator through the streets, heading north, as you're joined by more and more marchers. On the way, you see a street sign pointing to the prosecutors' office. That's where they're keeping Choi Soon-sil! Or you could follow along with the crowd. I came here to kill Choi Soon-sil. GO TO PAGE 10 I'll go with the flow. GO TO PAGE 25 9 You rock into the capital, your shovel weapon poised to strike. It is time to carry out Choi Soon-sil's death sentence us ing a tool as merciless as the brutal way she controlled your country. But where to attack? Who is the enemy you must stop, Choi or the president? You're probably only going to get one shot at this before they stop you. I'll strike at Choi Soon-sil at the Prosecutors' Office GO TO PAGE 10 I'll go straight to Cheong Wa Dae. GO TO PAGE 13 10 You arrive outside the Prosecutors' Office early in the morning, and drive your excavator right through the front gate onto its property. As you drive toward the front of the building, a security guard appears in your path. He fires a tear gas grenade at you, but it bounces off your vehicle and hits him in the head, knocking him down. He still has fight in his eyes though. What will you do now? I'll press on. GO TO PAGE 11 I'll help him. GO TO PAGE 1 11 You keep going, and he gets back onto his feet and steps into your path. With one swipe of your shovel, you knock him aside and continue on up the front steps of the Prosecutors' Office, your tank treads whirring. You get caught in the front doorway of the office, and another security guard swoops in and manages to tase you. You're immobilised and arrested. As you have taken an inno cent life in your pursuit of justice, you end up turning popular opinion against the prosecution of Choi and the president, and there is not enough popular support to carry on the case. The president, unimpeded in her power, sentences you to death for mutiny. You are given a tiny cell filled with leftist artists to live out the last of your days. THE END 12 You jump out of your excavator and run to his side. "I'm afraid...I don't have much time," he says. "Look, I'm sorry about that, but the future of the country rides on what I do next," you say. "So, you came to kill Choi Soonsil?" he chuckles, spitting up blood. "She isn't even here." "Then where is she?" you ask. "Dammit, tell me where!" "She's at a detention center just up the road," he wheezes, pointing his finger in the direction you have to go before collapsing in your arms, this time for good. You jump back in your excavator and head in the direction the guard pointed. The road leads to an unimpressive building, more of a dormitory filled with holding cells. You use your shovel to pry open the wall, uncovering Choi Soon-sil in there, sitting on the bed talking on the phone, probably to her daughter about horses. She looks up at you in horror, but you know this is what she wanted, deep down. You use the shovel of your excavator to mash her into paste, all the while the police take up defensive positions around you. Well, that was satisfying, but was it worth it? You killed her. Is there any fight in you left, or will you surrender to the police? Yes, onward to Cheong Wa Dae to finish the job! GO TO PAGE 13 Ha ha ha! So what? Do anything you want to me now! I killed Choi Soon-sil! GO TO PAGE 31 13 Choi Soon-sil is the weed, but its roots go far deeper, all the way to Cheong Wa Dae. You turn north and pilot your excavator through the city streets, which are clogged with traffic going one way but completely empty on the left side. Whatever, driving on the wrong side of the road to get around obstacles is exactly how you roll in Jeolla. Ahead, you see a protest rally blocking the road past Sungnyemun up toward Gwanghwamun. They wave Korean flags, but not American flags because Donald Trump hasn't been inaugurated yet. As you approach, you can see their banners calling out the lugenpresse and calling for martial law. What are you going to do? I'll plough right through them. GO TO PAGE 14 They're not the enemy. GO TO PAGE 15 14 Yeah, something's fishy about these protesters, starting with how they're all so much older than you. And you're 45. You drive through them, forcing them to scatter and only squishing the occasional demonstrator. Ahead, there is a line of riot po lice, as well as the anti-Park protest. There is about a million of them, and they're on your side, so no squishing them. Where to? I'll head toward the police line. GO TO PAGE 24 I'll go through the protest. GO TO PAGE 25 15 They're not the enemy: these people are only victims of state authoritarianism, brought up decades ago to obey the state. As you pussyfoot, or maybe more like pussy tank tread, around them, they swarm your machine. "Get off!" you cry. "I only have your best interests at heart!" One of them shatters your window with a baseball bat. You're dragged out of the cab of your vehicle and pounded to death in the street. Those are some vicious elderly people. THE END 16 You roll past the bus blockade, but the police target you with highpressure water hoses. The full force of the water meets your face, feeling not too dissimilar from a boot stomping on your face forever. After a sustained blast to your head, you're hospitalised. You die in a coma ten months later, of "natural causes." THE END 17 You press forward, making liberal use of your horn to scare people out of the way. Slowly, gradually, you make it all the way to the police bus wall. You use your shovel to flip over one of the riot police buses. Pro testers charge in, slipping by you and giving the riot police a lot to deal with. You power through, heading right to Cheong Wa Dae. A crowd of special investigators is gathered out front, trying to get in so they can gather evidence. Your shovel bashes through the front gate as if you were poking holes in a Hanjipapered traditional window, and you're onto the presidential compound. But which building is the presi dent in during this time of national emergency you've caused? The super important disaster response center. GO TO PAGE 18 Nope, the presidential residence. GO TO PAGE 19 18 Your shovel tears into the main building where the president is expected to be staked out, digging in her heels to respond to your attack. You rip open walls and expose rooms where super-secret stuff happens, but you can't find President Park inside. Where is she? The country is in crisis, and she faces imminent attack! Why wouldn't she be at the command center where she is needed? But as you continue sifting through the wreckage of the building, PSS agents surround your excavator, guns drawn. You can either surrender now or go out in a blaze of glory. Either way, mission failed. And I only have a limited number of pages for this, so let's end it here, with you fucked. THE END 19 You make a 90-degree turn and head for the official residence building of the president. Raising your shovel, you rip into this building, exposing a room where Park Geunhye is unconscious on an operating table, while a plastic surgeon injects her with syringes. You wave your excavator shovel threateningly and the doctor runs away. You scoop Park up in your shovel. But the security service is closing in around you. What will you do now? Bring her to justice. GO TO PAGE 21 Kill her. GO TO PAGE 20 20 You raise Park up in your shovel, preparing to deal a killing blow. "Wait!" she cries. "I can give you my illicitly gotten fortune!" "What good will that do me?" you retort. "I'm not getting out of here alive after all I've done!" "I also know a secret way out of here," Park says. She directs you around to a spot in the grass where she commands you to dig. You soon uncover a big chest full of gold bars. "Now, about this way out?" you say as soon as the treasure is loaded into your shovel. "Sure," she says, "but you have to take me with you!" She shows you a big cargo door leading to a deep tunnel. "This leads to Gwacheon," she tells you. What will you do? I've got what I need from her, so now I'll get rid of her. GO TO PAGE 28 I'll take her with me. GO TO PAGE 29 21 You pivot around, preparing to drive out with the president in your clutches. She stirs, wakes up, and sees the predicament she's in. Then the president of Korea locks eyes with you. "Who are you?" she yells. "What are you going to do with me?" "President Park, I am the Excavator Vigilante!" you roar. "And I am going to..." "...deliver you to the prosecution for questioning!" GO TO PAGE 22 "...make you answer to the people!" GO TO PAGE 23 22 You drive the president back out to where the prosecutorial investigation team is assembled, and dump Park out in front of them. "You can take it from here!" you exclaim. Job well done, time to go get sojued up and sleep for 24 hours. But then a guy from the justice ministry shows up and hands each of the prosecutors an envelope full of cash. "Awaiting orders, ma'am," the lead prosecutor says. The president gets to her feet and brushes off her pantsuit. "You fools, don't let that excavator vigilante get away!" You try to fight off the prosecu tors, whacking away a few with your shovel, but they pry open the door to your excavator and haul you out. It's you who goes to jail. THE END 23 You back out of Cheong Wa Dae and head through the streets of Seochon through the labyrinth of police buses. The police watch you, but there's nothing they can do while you have their president in your clutches. The street in front of Gwanghwa mun is crowded, but the protesters move aside for you. You drive straight up over Sejong Boulevard to the statue of Admiral Yi Sun-shin, where the Sewol protest tents are. There, you upturn your shovel and deposit President Park Geun-hye right on her ass, surrounded by the bereaved families of the Sewol ferry victims. "She's all yours, folks!" you shout, then throw your excavator in reverse and back out of there. You're so tired and you've come a long way, but can you really rest while evil still rules the Korean Peninsula? What now? It is time to give up. For now. GO TO PAGE 31 The battle never ends. Onward! GO TO PAGE 32 24 Rather than turn away, you steer directly into the police line. The riot police don't want to put their lives on the line, so they mostly back out of your way. Some are preparing to raid your excavator. But up ahead is a wall of riot police buses , impeding your path to Cheong Wa Dae. You could take a side street and try to get past them, or you could go for a frontal assault. How to deal with this obstacle? I'll find another way around. GO TO PAGE 16 I'll attack with my shovel. GO TO PAGE 17 25 You drive your excavator right through the middle of Seoul, right into Sejong Plaza. Rather than try to stop you, the protesters give you a hero's welcome. They gather around you and raise their candles and cheer you on. Some even have Excavator Vigilante signs, shirts, and other merch. But there's about a million of them, and they're all in your way. What will you do? I'll slowly but firmly move forward. GO TO PAGE 17 I'll try to blend in. GO TO PAGE 27 26 "Yes, you have chosen wisely, Excavator Vigilante!" she says. "You have defeated evil and brought peace to the Korean Peninsula. Now use your manly arms to do to my body what your shovel did to Lee Kun-hee's hospital room!" "I still can't believe how weird that turned out," you remark. "Who knew, after all this time, all that was left of him was a cryogenically preserved nose." "Shut up and make love to me," she says. You unzip your pants and make love to this beautiful woman, right there, on that mountain of the skulls of your enemies. THE END 27 How does an excavator blend in with a crowd at a protest? Not by picking up a sign and chanting. At stage in front of the Yi Sun shin statue, a punk band is playing. As you near it, the band leaps off the stage and runs away. The protesters begin mobbing your excavator. It looks like they don't appreciate you there. How are you getting out of this one? I'll fight them off so I can complete my mission. GO TO PAGE 33. I'll drive onto the stage. GO TO PAGE 34. 28 "Thanks, sucker!" you shout, shoving Park out of your way and driving into the tunnel. "You bastard!" she cries, running to a nearby bulldozer, which she fires up and gives chase. You're driving through this tunnel, with Park in hot pursuit in her own heavy machinery. "What are you doing?" you shout back at her. "You're crazy!" "Nobody beats Park Geun-hye!" she shouts at you as her bulldozer rear-ends your excavator. The two of you conduct a brutal machine-on-machine battle, right there in the tunnel. The violence shakes the tunnel walls, leading to a cave-in. As the dirt pours in around you, you get one last look at the presi dent. "At least I have the satisfaction if taking you to Hell with me!" you shout before your mouth fills up with dirt. THE END 29 You invite her into the cabin of your excavator. There's not much room, so she sits in your lap. You pilot the excavator into the tunnel and gun it for the other end. A sign says it's in Gwacheon. "When we get to the other end, I have friends who can sneak us out of the country. No one will ever know!" Park tells you, grinding seductively in your lap. "Madame President, are you trying to seduce me?" you ask her. "Chung Yoon-hoi didn't call me the maneater of Cheong Wa Dae for nothing!" she giggles coquettishly. "Can I ask, why do you want to leave it all behind?" you ask her. "Why not stay and fight?" "I'm tired of ruling," she tells you. "It's time to move on and live just for Geun-hye." This totally seems like she's setting you up for betrayal. But, once you reach the far end of the tunnel, a truck is waiting for you there. It brings you to an airfield nearby, and before you know it you're on a flight to the Cayman Islands with Geun-hye. The two of you live out the rest of your days in relative luxury out there, out of the grasp of the authorities. Personally, I'm a little skeezed, but congrats to you two, I guess. THE END 30 You leap out of your excavator and jump up out at the Marshall's great steamroller. He throws it in reverse and you land on the uneven North Korean pavement between the two vehicles. He ad vances, crushing your legs and advancing further. "Excavator vigilante?" he laughs. "More like pancake vigilante!" THE END 31 You've come a long way and caused a lot of carnage. But ultimately you got things done, and it's up to others to pick up the shovel and continue the crusade against this horrible corruption. You take the keys out of the ignition and step out into the sunlight. Police swarm you and take you into custody. You're found guilty and sent to jail, at least until the next president is voted in and par dons you... THE END ...But you will be back, in "Excavator Vigilante II: Excavator Vigi lante vs the Ancient Patriot Foundation," when you are once again called upon to level your shovel upon Gwanghwamun Plaza, when a statue of Park Chung-hee is erected. 32 You thunder up the road toward Kuki Tunnel, meeting little police resistance as they are probably just glad you're heading away from the capital. The Korean military, on the other hand, is up ahead. You're stopped at a roadblock, stuck between two collapsible concrete barriers on both sides. A tank rolls up at the other side of the checkpoint and the turret swivels around to point that long barrel at you. A man sticks his head out of the tank and asks "Where do you think you're going?" "I'm going north to finish that regime once and for all!" you reply. "What, just with an excavator?" the soldier asks. You shrug. "Well I'm not called the Howitzer vigilante, motherfucker!" The soldier gets on the radio and reports to his superiors. "He (or she if you're playing as a female) is going to bring down North Korea... yeah... uh-huh... With an excavator. You're right, we never thought to try that before. Okay, I'll remove the barricade." With that, you're past. The soldiers stand to the side of the road, saluting you. One waves you over at a gas depot. "Where you're going, you're gonna need this!" he tells you, filling up your tank. You press onward up to the JSA, where North Korean guards on duty look in terror as they see your excavator heading right toward them. They wait for you to cross the demarcation line, then they swarm over your machine, attempting to pry you out. You swivel the excavator around, knocking them the fuck off and taking out one or two of those blue shacks. Their resistance is pretty pathetic, all things considered. Fancy polished rifles, but no bullets to load in? You drive all the way straight up to Pyongyang, not seeing a single vehicle on the road the whole way. As you approach the North Korean capital, you see a giant statue of two women towering over the road, the Arch of Reunification. A little girl is standing in the middle of the road, blocking you. You stop and address her. "Move, little girl!" "Are you here to reunite our country?" she asks you. "I haven't thought that far ahead," you admit. "But yes." She moves aside for you. You enter the city, to find it evacuated. Except for one remaining citizen, Marshall Kim, who awaits you while sitting in his chromeplated steamroller. "Excavator vigilante!" he shouts. "You will come no farther!" "That's okay," you retort, "I've made it farther than I expected!" Your two vehicles clash. His steamroller crushes part of your tank tread, preventing you from driving straight. Oh man, this is not good. Your excavator is no match for his steamroller. What will you do now? I'll leave the sanctity of my ride and attack bodily. That fat pipsqueak is no match for my fists! GO TO PAGE 30. Fuck this, I'm retreating! GO TO PAGE 35 33 You use your shovel to shake off the protesters, trying your best not to harm them. You're not doing a great job minimising collateral damage but you manage not to roll over anyone. However, the wax from your candles gets on your excavator, setting it on fire. Then your vehicle gets stuck on a street bollard. Hey, remember those things? Think about how many recent terrorist attacks could've been stoped by them. Investment idea if you make it out of here alive. Which you don't, burning alive, thus unable to fulfill your mission or cash in on a not-sonew idea that would have made the world safer. If only... THE END 34 You drive onto the stage, grinding it to splinters beneath your tank treads and making quite a racket. "Wow, is that Hanatarash?" you hear one youth nearby exclaim. The crowd cheers, mesmerised by what they perceive as your use of creative destruction to make very loud music. So you give them what you want, using your shovel to make sounds. You never do make it to Cheong Wa Dae, but this is your start as a musician operating heavy machinery to make noise music. Also, the president is peacefully impeached and stuff, so that's a win! THE EN 35 You throw the excavator into reverse and limp away in an arc path. "You can't escape me, excavator vigilante!" Marshall Kim calls after you. "Once I defeat you, we will reverse-engineer your vehi cle to create an army of excavator vigilantes, with which we will use to reunite the peninsula!" "You talk too much," you retort, using your shovel to take a swipe at the base of the building you find yourself in front of, the gargantuan pyramid-shaped Ryugyong Hotel. Your shovel cuts through it like it's sand, bringing the whole thing down on top of both you and your foe. Your last thought is that they won't get their hands on your excavator after all. No wait, it's that children will sing songs of your deeds. THE END